I'm Back Suckas

A lot has happened since the last time I graced you with my blogging presence. It would be an exercise in futility to mention everything, so I will, as usual just discuss the things that are most important to you. Since my last post a new president was elected, he is our first half-white president. This makes me proud as a white person. It helps me to think that anything is possible. His presidency sends a strong message to those who aspire to great things in their life. Now children can clearly understand that one does not need to actually accomplish anything for people to love you. It seems that the only thing necessary is a fun personality and an inspiring catch phrase. (Sí se puede)
Just after my last blog post the United States economy took a nose dive. It is obvious that the two events are directly related. You can’t expect this great country to survive without its greatest asset, my voice of hope. Loyal subjects go out and spend your money because my return should inevitably help the economy, so you’re welcome America.
Something has been bugging me, America and you need to know about it. Like me, many of you probably receive mail on a regular basis. (Daily in most places) With recent technological advances the traditional United States postal service has become pretty obsolete, but occasionally one receives something with importance. This occasional pertinent item is just enough to keep most people ‘checking the mail’ at least every other day. Sadly, the bottom feeders of society have seized this opportunity to inundate our lives with trash and useless information. I can understand the occasional credit card application, or occasionally having a dental office advertise low cost teeth whitening, but several times a week mailboxes are stuffed with coupons for companies hocking the newest and cheapest wares out there. For some awful reason this remains legal in all 50 states. (I blame Colin Powell) No one in their right mind wants any of this crap, yet relentlessly publications like the Red Plumb ruin our postal lives. If some crazed lunatic went around filling mailboxes with human feces, they undoubtedly would be thrown in jail, and in Texas they would be executed. Up with this we should no longer put. The next time you receive one of these pieces of filth throw it on to the street where it belongs! Until next time, remember don’t snitch.

You Better Ask Somebody

Loyal subjects, I realize that it has been a while since I have graced you with a small view into my complex and wonderful mind. I offer no apology. I have decided that there are a few things that I would like to discuss with you, America. First of all, if you will remember a while ago we discussed how the United States should, in all seriousness, destroy all other nations in every single event in the International Dog and Pony show we like to call the ‘Olympics’. I have been inspired by the effort of some wonderful Americans to crush the rest of the world. Indeed it looks like the US will recapture its rightful supremacy in the basketball world. The “Redeem Team” is not only thrashing opponents but they are doing it all while degrading them. Lebron James is a wonderful example of this. After blocking a shot or throwing one down in traffic he often stares at his opponent and looks at them in disgust. That is the most American thing I have seen in a long, long time. Secondly, there is a young American swimmer by the name of Michael Phelps. He has systematically destroyed swimmers from all other countries and broken multiple world records in the process. This by itself is an impressive feat, seeing as most of the world’s greatest swimmers are Cuban and live in Florida. He was also a part if the Men’s 4 x100 relay team that beat the most pathetic four individuals in the world, the French Men’s 4x100 team. Not only are they French, they had the gall to say that they would ‘smash’ the American team prior to the race in some awful newspaper. Sadam Hussein was executed for less. I hope the French people take a lesson from this. I hope they realize that they suck, and always will. You suck France.

I would also like to discuss the upcoming presidential election. America, it looks like we are headed for the crapper. Both candidates suck more than I ever thought possible. John McCain is a pathetic old man who was once a great American hero. He now is just one more republican who has sold his soul (what’s left of it) to the party. Barack Obama is a pathetic young man, who never was an American hero. He promised all sorts of change and has already fallen flat on those promises. Maybe because of his youth he doesn’t realize that you normally wait until you are actually elected to break your campaign promises,and lie to the world (Bill Clinton). He aspires to be another great flop the likes of which we haven’t seen since Jimmy Carter. (see my previous entry Former President Current Moron) John McCain, you suck. Brack Obama, you suck too. America, join me this election season by voting for someone else altogether Paul Rubens. That’s right the man who played Peewee Herman. White House press conferences will be a lot cooler with a daily secret word and a giant tinfoil ball.

Former President, Current Moron

The other night I was flipping through the channels on TV and I stumbled on to a sad, sad sight. Jimmy Carter was on Larry King Live. The collective age of the two men on screen was recently sent to NASA to calculate. King was asking his fellow fossil on everything from the war in Iraq to the upcoming presidential election. I would pay serious money for anyone to show me why I should give a crap about what Jimmy Carter has to say about anything. Does anyone remember any of the things he accomplished during his time on Pennsylvania Avenue? No. No one does, because those things don’t exist. He spent most of his political career with his mouth writing checks his backside couldn’t cash. So he leaves office and builds a couple of houses and we should give him some kind of Peace Prize? MC Hammer built a house and soon gave it to someone else. I don’t see anyone showering him with praise. Maybe Larry King should be interviewing Hammer, I would rather hear what he has to say about the Iraq war than Bozo the ex-president. For that matter I would rather hear what Billy Carter has to say about current events. (Jimmy and Billy, what the hell kind of parents do that to their kids? They were probably too poor or inbred to figure out birth control or abortions so the just decided to make their kids’ life miserable by giving them names that are better suited for dogs.)
Jimmy Carter, you suck.

One more thing, is Larry King even alive anymore? What are those suspenders connected to? When was the last time any of you saw him out from behind that desk? I submit to you that he is a robot made to look like the late Larry King. A crappy looking robot too. They ran out of money before the skin was put on so they just slopped together some silly putty and threw some dime store glasses on it.
Larry King, you sucked when you were alive and your robot replacement sucks now.
America, you don’t suck, daddy loves you.

If can't say anything nice, then say something mean about someone else.

Last week I spoke to you about Pope Benedict the 16th. It is no coincidence that His Popeness visited the country for the first time this last week. I extended the invitation to him to come to the land of the free and home of the brave, and of course he accepted. Bendito and I had several long talks about his drug problem and he assured me that he is dedicated to a twelve-step program that I recommended for him. I am satisfied that before long we will have a clean and sober pope. This was a very promising experience for me and I am sure it was for the pope. After leaving my estate, he did a few other things to please the media. He spoke with some of the victims of the priest sex scandal, he met with GW, and he did a pretty solid mass at Yankee Stadium. I was encouraged by this visit until he made a very disappointing comment while speaking to the media during his time here. He made the comment that he ‘laments’ the treatment of Blacks and Native Americans in this countries history. Now America, I will be the first to admit that the treatment of many groups of people (Blacks and Native Americans included) in this country’s history is reprehensible. That being said, the last person on earth that should be making comments about historical injustices committed to in past generations is a German Catholic. I lament the treatment of all kinds of people, namely Arabs during The Crusades. No to mention the Spanish during the Spanish Inquisitions (no one expected the Spanish Inquisitions). I lament the way Germans have acted repeatedly during the history of the world. I don’t blame the current pope for any of these atrocities. He didn’t do any of it. Kind of like no one alive in America today is responsible for the days of slavery or the displacement of Native Americans. I have a great idea, how about we all talk about it and remind each other how bad it was. Maybe if we feel bad enough about it will somehow not have happened. Real productive Papa, good job. Thanks, I didn’t know about any of that stuff.
One more thing America, I am sure that many of you are familiar with the raid of the YFZ Ranch in Texas this week. This ranch is a community of the FLDS Faith. For those of you that aren’t familiar with this religious group, let me give you a quick explanation. Polygamy with ugly women and old dirty men marrying 13 year-olds, and violating them in their temple. I don’t want to talk to you about the legality of constitutionality of the raid. Nor do I want to talk to you about how disgusting it is to violate and brain wash children the way they have done for generations. I want to talk about the hairdos of those sister wives. I really don’t think they can be serious about that. I mean, I am no stranger to dumpy looking women, but they really take the cake. I can’t see why anyone would want one of those broads, never mind multiple. Seriously perverts, try a little harder ok?

Bennie and the Jets

America, we need to talk. Something has been on my mind for the past little while. A few years ago a religious leader passed away. He was loved by millions and respected by many, many more. He was one of the precious few people who was an exception to the universally excepted rule that you shouldn’t trust someone with two first names. This was of course Pope John Paul the 2nd. His replacement is what we need to talk about, Benedict the 16th. Now, you might be thinking that I am somehow upset about his reintroduction of Latin Mass, or his addition to the 7 Deadly Sins. No I don’t really care about that. The problem is that His Popeness looks like he is stoned all the time. No, not stoned like many of the early Christians were. Stoned like Carlos Santana is all the time. Old Benedito is a total pot head. Sure John Paul looked like he was taking a nap for the last 13 years, or so, of his life. And it always looked like his giant Burger King Crown was about to fall off his drooping head. But the new guy constantly looks like he just smoked a bowl with a few bishops behind the bleachers. Think I am lying? The other day I saw him on the BBC, riding around in a hot-boxed Pope Mobile. You could barely see his little red cap. Now, I realize that Marijuana may not be illegal in the Vatican. However, is this the type of thing that someone who has millions and millions of Catholics feeding off his every word, should do? In his most recent mass he encouraged all good, God-fearing people to “..stop harshing each others mellow.” While that might good advice coming from the guy who delivers the Doritos to the office vending machine, this isn’t the thing that I want to hear from someone who is considered by many to be the moral authority of the world. I would like to be able to listen to what The Pope has to say without wondering if he is more concerned about the sweet burrito stand down the street than the impact of his words. So Papa, sober up and kick the habit. Perhaps this isn’t the worst thing that could happen or has happened to the Papacy. At least Benedict is not a child molester like so many of the priests he has helped to hide in various places throughout the world. (Oh, stop crying liberals, if you think for one second that this isn’t true, go ask the little kids in South America that are being touched instead of the little kids in New England. Thank you Cardinal Law.) So, my loyal subjects, say no to drugs, and say no to confession.

Alan, Close the Door, You're Letting the Heat Out

Recently I had the displeasure if watching a television news program where former Vice-President of the United States, Al Gore was interviewed. The reason for the interview was very simply to see what he has been up to over the last few months. The rather unpleasing looking lady that was interviewing, asked him about such points of interest such as the upcoming presidential election, of which he has been named one of the enigmatic members of the Democratic Justice League other wise known as a ‘super delegate’. America, I defy any one of you to accurately explain to me why this kind of crap is on television. First of all, Al Gore’s opinion on the presidential election should be disregarded as soon as it leaves his old, fat mouth. For those of you who can’t remember Al Gore actually ran for president. His candidacy was more of a joke than that of Bo Gritz in 1992. Al Gore was incapable of beating the slowest,dumbest southerner ever to run for office. He won the popular vote but still lost the election. He won and he still lost. This is the very definition of being a loser. He joins the elite club of losers that couldn’t beat GW. He is joined by the Big Fairy himself, John Kerry. Gore and Kerry: America’s finest liberal losers.
Seeing that he is such a pathetic waste of publicity, the only appropriate thing to do with him would be to ostracize him from society and make jokes about his useless life. Instead we shower him with praise and awards. He was given an Academy Award for his ‘documentary’ An Inconvenient Truth. Seriously, did anyone see that piece of garbage? It was a trite, stupid, inconvenient excuse for film making. Then if that wasn’t enough he was given a Nobel Peace Prize. The day he walked across that stage and accepted that award will go down as one of the worst days in international history. Anyone who has ever donated even a penny to a charitable cause should hang their head in disgust for this travesty. That guy who used to be really fat and now isn’t all that that fat because he ate a bunch of sndwiches Subway is more deserving of the Nobel Peace prize, way more.
My point in brining this to your attention my fellow Americans, is that Al Gore should be thrown in prison for his embarrassing waste of a life. Boycott Al Gore and anything that has to do with him my loyal subjects. Drive around your block for no reason other than to ruin the environment. (Let’s be honest it won’t make any real difference.) Together we can stop him and his ridiculous global warming.

I'm a Paddy, You're a Paddy

Undisputedly one of the coolest people on the planet, U2’s Bono once said that the world is made of two kinds of people, those who are Irish, and those who want to be. America, truer words have never been spoken. This last week drunkards all around the world celebrated St. Patrick’s Day. Some stupid liberals out there might be thinking to themselves that St. Patrick’s Day is just an excuse for those who are Irish and those who wish to be to wear green and drink. Well my stupid friends, real Irish people don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, and never need an excuse to drink. The truth is that St. Patrick himself was kind of a bastard. He was an English slave,( 0 for 1) who was sent to Ireland by the Catholic Church ( 0 for 2) to convert the ‘heathen’ Celts to Catholicism. He was surprisingly successful by using the famous “Catholic Convert or Die” tactic. It has proven to be an extremely effective tactic on at least four continents. Don’t understand transubstantiation? Neither do they but the will kill you for denying it. Now, I’m not trying to rag on Catholics, I’m just pointing out the obvious. Seeing that all this is true, some of you may ask why ‘ol Patrick got his own holiday. Well the truth is that there is no good reason. However, the world does need a reason to celebrate the greatest people on earth, the Irish. We have survived slavery, famine, oppression, segregation and years and years if drinking ourselves stupid. We are tough and here to stay despite the best efforts of the lousy, useless British. So take some time today and thank the powers that be that you are Irish, and if you are not, we will be taking the GW approach to this problem. If you’re not with us you are against us. So, go Irish or go home!