How Can I Focus on the State of the Union Address With Old Nasty Sitting Right Behind GW?

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that I am a big news buff. I like to stay well informed and up-to-date on current events. The other day while watching a story on the 2008 Presidential Election, my attention was drawn to someone. Michelle Obama. She is seriously hot. She looks dignified and respectable, but she could bring a grown man to his knees with those curves. This made my heart glad. For far too long we have suffered ugo after ugo up on the hill. I love American politics and I love American women. That being said, for as long as this great nation has been around, women politicians have been far too ugly for how great this country is. Let’s dig deeper, shall we?
Going back in time we can see many notable women in history. And for the most part, they have all been real homely looking. Susan B. Anthony? Good grief she was ugly. What was it again that she did? I can’t remember either. I can’t get passed that overbite. Martha Washington? Let’s just say that her husband’s false teeth would have been a major improvement for this old windbag. Mary Todd Lincoln? This trick was ugly and crazy. I mean good ‘ol Honest Abe was lucky he got iced when he did, she was on the one-way train to the Crazytown.
Now I can hear you liberals getting all emotional and bleedy-hearty, saying crap like ‘that was a long time ago, King Conor everyone was ugly back then’. While that isn’t true I am willing to play your game. Let’s talk about some of the unpleasant looking women of today. One can hardly say the phrase ‘unpleasant women of today’, without immediately thinking of the former-First Lady and current presidential candidate, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Honestly, is there anyone in the free world who can blame Bill for fooling around with the heavy-set intern? She was no prize herself but compared to Hillary, she should be walking a catwalk somewhere. Someone do me a favor and stuff HRC back in the closet she came from. Hopefully she will choke on one of the pant-suits that are in there and we won’t have to deal with her or her stupid theories on socialized medicine any more.
If Hillary were alone in her long fall from the ugly tree, our economy probably wouldn’t be so bad. Alas, she is not. One of her fiercest competitors in the Miss Ugly Politician Pageant is Madame Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy is one of the dumpiest-looking ugos ever to grace the District of Columbia.
Now I would be remiss if I didn’t illustrate the fact that not all of the fine ladies in our country’s political history were disgusting wastes. May I mention one of Pennsylvania Avenue’s hottest dames ever, Jacqueline Kennedy-Onasis. JFK was not only a drunk, but incredibly stupid to have ever fooled around with Marilyn Monroe, when he had the Petty Coat Junction right in the Lincoln Bedroom waiting for him. A close second, to Mrs. Kennedy-Onasis would have to be Eleanor Roosevelt. She basically ran the joint while her husband was sick, if that isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.
Now why can’t more political women be more like Michelle Obama or Jacqueline Kennedy-Onasis? Not to mention John McCain’s wife. (I don’t know her name either, but man is she an upgrade to that old jalopy he had before.) She is hot. I didn’t know if that was his wife or his daughter the first time I saw her. If his years of service to this country weren’t enough to convince you to vote for him, then the chance to see that dame at more state vents and presidential parties should be all the reason you need to put an ‘x’ next to Old J McC’s name. So vote this November, America. And do us all a favor and vote for someone with a hot wife.

The Most Important Tidbits You Will Ever Read

In my tireless effort to educate and inspire you, America, my team of researchers and I have assembled some the most important and ground breaking research you will ever read. So get ready, take notes and pay attention.

90% of Americans own waffle maker.

The Oscar Myer Weenie Mobile took 35 years to build. Nine workers died during its construction.

Former President Jimmy Carter’s middle name is Louise.

Michael Jordan was the winner of the 1989 Mexican Presidential election, he was written in by over 189,000 Mexican voters. Jordan politely declined the nomination.

In May of 1958 Chubby Checker was arrested in Rhode Island on suspicion of Twisting. It was rumored that he was Twisting similar to the way he did the previous summer. (Twisting was, at the time, a felony in 35 states.)

Part of Martin Luther King’s dream included men’s socks sold two pair for the price of one.

Walt Disney was a member of a white supremacist organization called the White Knights. While they were a non-violent group they are responsible for the vast majority of accepted racial slurs in the English language.

Recent studies have shown that Swiss cheese is the best kind of cheese.

Every third baby born in the world grows up to be a total jerk.

Another recent study has proven that The Luvre in Paris is boring, and a waste of money.

Ronald Regan’s last act as president of the United States was to issue a Presidential Pardon to Ozzy Osborne for ’accidentally’ biting the head off of a bald eagle. Regan is a huge fan of the song Crazy Train.


There you go America. Consider yourself informed.

A Rainbow Colored Smoke-Screen

Let me ask you a serious question America. Why on earth is it possible to turn on the television and see someone like Rosie O'Donell? Does anyone actually find her funny, amusing, or interesting. Better yet, does anyone find her anything but repulsive and annoying? Believe it or not my fine fellow-Americans, there are people who want you and I to laugh at her, tolerate her and even love her because she is lesbian. Think I am making exagerating? Wake up America! Melissa Ethridge still has a job, and it is even making music. Ellen Degeneres is still a comedian. All of these entertainers are terrible peices of crap. And should be flipping burgers in a fast food kitchen somewhere. (No offense to those of you out there who do flip burgers, it is a fine and nobel profession, I owe a lot to you people. I just don't think you should sing or make jokes.)

Let me stop you before you start, I can hear many of you out there saying 'King Conor, you are homophobic.' No, no I am not. I am simply crapophobic. What these people do on their own time is their business, not mine. I want to see all people make it or not in the world, simply based on merit. I mean I like girls too, but no one is lining up to buy my Christmas album. ( I know it was a bad idea, I don't need any of you to bring it up again.)

Let's look at some wonderful examples those who did play the 'gay card'. Elton John is a great musician, and total fruit cake. I shudder to think where we would all be would be without songs like 'Tiny Dancer' and 'Rocket Man'. Think Elton sucks? Well, Freddie Mercury was as gay as one could possibly be and he wrote 'We are the Champions' and 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. These are modern classics, who would know what to sing after winning some sort of competition without him. Comedian Grahm Chapman was part of the legendary Monty Python and the Flying Circus. Quite Simply the funniest sketch comedy you could ever ask for. He was quite a flamer himself. Mad props to these homosexuals, mad props indeed. These people didn't need to be gay to make history. They had a little something called talent. So, let's sum things up. Talentless homosexuals go in the same dumpster as Al Gore, socialized medicine, and country music.