Recently I had the displeasure if watching a television news program where former Vice-President of the United States, Al Gore was interviewed. The reason for the interview was very simply to see what he has been up to over the last few months. The rather unpleasing looking lady that was interviewing, asked him about such points of interest such as the upcoming presidential election, of which he has been named one of the enigmatic members of the Democratic Justice League other wise known as a ‘super delegate’. America, I defy any one of you to accurately explain to me why this kind of crap is on television. First of all, Al Gore’s opinion on the presidential election should be disregarded as soon as it leaves his old, fat mouth. For those of you who can’t remember Al Gore actually ran for president. His candidacy was more of a joke than that of Bo Gritz in 1992. Al Gore was incapable of beating the slowest,dumbest southerner ever to run for office. He won the popular vote but still lost the election. He won and he still lost. This is the very definition of being a loser. He joins the elite club of losers that couldn’t beat GW. He is joined by the Big Fairy himself, John Kerry. Gore and Kerry: America’s finest liberal losers.
Seeing that he is such a pathetic waste of publicity, the only appropriate thing to do with him would be to ostracize him from society and make jokes about his useless life. Instead we shower him with praise and awards. He was given an Academy Award for his ‘documentary’ An Inconvenient Truth. Seriously, did anyone see that piece of garbage? It was a trite, stupid, inconvenient excuse for film making. Then if that wasn’t enough he was given a Nobel Peace Prize. The day he walked across that stage and accepted that award will go down as one of the worst days in international history. Anyone who has ever donated even a penny to a charitable cause should hang their head in disgust for this travesty. That guy who used to be really fat and now isn’t all that that fat because he ate a bunch of sndwiches Subway is more deserving of the Nobel Peace prize, way more.
My point in brining this to your attention my fellow Americans, is that Al Gore should be thrown in prison for his embarrassing waste of a life. Boycott Al Gore and anything that has to do with him my loyal subjects. Drive around your block for no reason other than to ruin the environment. (Let’s be honest it won’t make any real difference.) Together we can stop him and his ridiculous global warming.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
I'm a Paddy, You're a Paddy
Undisputedly one of the coolest people on the planet, U2’s Bono once said that the world is made of two kinds of people, those who are Irish, and those who want to be. America, truer words have never been spoken. This last week drunkards all around the world celebrated St. Patrick’s Day. Some stupid liberals out there might be thinking to themselves that St. Patrick’s Day is just an excuse for those who are Irish and those who wish to be to wear green and drink. Well my stupid friends, real Irish people don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, and never need an excuse to drink. The truth is that St. Patrick himself was kind of a bastard. He was an English slave,( 0 for 1) who was sent to Ireland by the Catholic Church ( 0 for 2) to convert the ‘heathen’ Celts to Catholicism. He was surprisingly successful by using the famous “Catholic Convert or Die” tactic. It has proven to be an extremely effective tactic on at least four continents. Don’t understand transubstantiation? Neither do they but the will kill you for denying it. Now, I’m not trying to rag on Catholics, I’m just pointing out the obvious. Seeing that all this is true, some of you may ask why ‘ol Patrick got his own holiday. Well the truth is that there is no good reason. However, the world does need a reason to celebrate the greatest people on earth, the Irish. We have survived slavery, famine, oppression, segregation and years and years if drinking ourselves stupid. We are tough and here to stay despite the best efforts of the lousy, useless British. So take some time today and thank the powers that be that you are Irish, and if you are not, we will be taking the GW approach to this problem. If you’re not with us you are against us. So, go Irish or go home!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Do you belive in miracles? You don't need to anymore.
I think many people would agree with me when I say that sports are some of the greatest things in the world. Seeing as its March, I can barely wait for one of the greatest sports spectacles in the world, the NCAA tournament. One could talk for hours about the action and edge-of-your-seat excitement that the tournament provides for basketball fans all over the world. If that wasn’t enough, this year the whole world will turn its eyes to the city of Beijing, for the Summer Olympics. Now, America, I like the Olympics. I really do. But, there is something about it that really bothers me. I would love for someone to explain to me why the United States does not win every single gold medal in every single event in the games.
We are the richest country in the world. We have all kinds of resources, and we have all the technology we need to assist our athletes. We should be using all of our available resources to make our athletes better. We should use the Olympics to establish our dominance over the other stupid countries in the world. Which stupid countries you ask? All of them. The USSR was once a huge international sports power. They accomplished this by forcing young children to practice their sport all day every day. By the time they grew up, they were incredible. WHY AREN’T WE DOING THIS? I know that some of you liberal losers might say that something like that would be unfair and almost cruel to the young children. To them I ask where is your pride? I think we should go a little farther than that. We should force famous athletes to procreate. Then, when the child is born they become property of the United States Government. And we use tax dollars to train these kids to become superhuman sport machines. No cost is too great, and no we do not need to raise taxes to do this. We have all kinds of crappy government funded programs that are no longer necessary. (i.e. Medicare, Medicaid, No Child Left Behind, The EPA) I mean so many of us pay through the nose for all of these programs and we don’t see any of the return from it. Why not spend this money on something we can all enjoy? For example, the USA stomping the daylights out of Morocco in the decathlon, or beating the crap out of Russia in Greco Roman Wrestling. I don’t care what it takes. I want to see the Stars and Stripes hoisted above all the other flags in every single medal ceremony in the Chinese games and every game from here on out. Even and especially the sports that no one cares about, like rhythmic gymnastics. We should be sending the message to the rest of the world that they aren’t better than us at anything. They can have their steroids and performance enhancing drugs, we have money. I want to see a sprinter turning around just before he crosses the finish line of the 100 meter race, and mocking the other sprinters that aren’t as fast. (You’re going to have to try harder than that world!)
One more thing, I think we should be using wind tunnel technology for everything. Regardless of whether it has an application to that sport or not. If the rest of the weak, useless international sports world sees our athletes in a wind tunnel they are going to crap their collective pants. They are going to think, ‘why is that gymnast in a wind tunnel, she is only 14 years old.’ They will automatically think that we are on to something awesome. Wind tunnels and money, that is the key to Olympic gold. As always America, its ok if you don’t agree with me, you would just be wrong. Stupid and wrong.
We are the richest country in the world. We have all kinds of resources, and we have all the technology we need to assist our athletes. We should be using all of our available resources to make our athletes better. We should use the Olympics to establish our dominance over the other stupid countries in the world. Which stupid countries you ask? All of them. The USSR was once a huge international sports power. They accomplished this by forcing young children to practice their sport all day every day. By the time they grew up, they were incredible. WHY AREN’T WE DOING THIS? I know that some of you liberal losers might say that something like that would be unfair and almost cruel to the young children. To them I ask where is your pride? I think we should go a little farther than that. We should force famous athletes to procreate. Then, when the child is born they become property of the United States Government. And we use tax dollars to train these kids to become superhuman sport machines. No cost is too great, and no we do not need to raise taxes to do this. We have all kinds of crappy government funded programs that are no longer necessary. (i.e. Medicare, Medicaid, No Child Left Behind, The EPA) I mean so many of us pay through the nose for all of these programs and we don’t see any of the return from it. Why not spend this money on something we can all enjoy? For example, the USA stomping the daylights out of Morocco in the decathlon, or beating the crap out of Russia in Greco Roman Wrestling. I don’t care what it takes. I want to see the Stars and Stripes hoisted above all the other flags in every single medal ceremony in the Chinese games and every game from here on out. Even and especially the sports that no one cares about, like rhythmic gymnastics. We should be sending the message to the rest of the world that they aren’t better than us at anything. They can have their steroids and performance enhancing drugs, we have money. I want to see a sprinter turning around just before he crosses the finish line of the 100 meter race, and mocking the other sprinters that aren’t as fast. (You’re going to have to try harder than that world!)
One more thing, I think we should be using wind tunnel technology for everything. Regardless of whether it has an application to that sport or not. If the rest of the weak, useless international sports world sees our athletes in a wind tunnel they are going to crap their collective pants. They are going to think, ‘why is that gymnast in a wind tunnel, she is only 14 years old.’ They will automatically think that we are on to something awesome. Wind tunnels and money, that is the key to Olympic gold. As always America, its ok if you don’t agree with me, you would just be wrong. Stupid and wrong.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
America, Daddy Loves You
Nobody loves America more than I do. I think the ideals that this country was founded on are truly something divine. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is afforded to all people, no matter where they come from, and that is the way it should be. That being said, I seemed to have missed the part of the Declaration of Independence, that talks about how we should all do what we can to help moochers and losers. On the statue of liberty it certainly does not say: “give me your poor, your tired and those who just don’t feel like working very hard and expect to be handed everything.”
Now, it has come to my attention that there are those who read my writings, that aren’t very bright. I am here to educate and inspire everyone, not just the enlightened, so let me break this down into small edible pieces for you bleeding hearts out there. Welfare, Medicaid, Social Security and homeless people are un-American. Disagree? Then I would love for you to explain to me why someone deserves to get something for doing nothing. Medicaid, in theory, is not such a bad idea. No one can help getting deathly ill. And this program is designed to help those who have become deathly ill and can no longer work. However, what this program has become is a way for losers who have no job, and who make no real contribution to society to have babies, and use tax dollars (from those who actually do work) to pay for it. If that doesn’t outrage you then you are the worst kind of stupid.
Social Security encourages old people to stop contributing to society and retire. If you really need Social Security then you obviously didn’t do much for this country while you had the chance. Now you think you should stop? Hey grandpa, wasn’t it your generation who let us slide into the Great Depression? Now that you’re old, you have the chance to suck the government dry one more time. You should have never gotten the GI Bill you ungrateful piles of crap. It’s ok if you don’t agree with me on this one, I realize their may quite a few people who don’t. You are entitled to that, but you are wrong. Very wrong. And stupid. (Call my mother names all you want, liberals, you can’t stop me. You can’t offend me, or my mother for that matter. We are shaking in our boots, I can assure you….or boot in my mother’s case.)
Now, let’s talk about homeless people. Now, I know everyone falls on hard times every now and again. But falling on hard times is no excuse for sitting on a street corner and begging for money. You probably make upwards of $10 a day (un-taxable might I add) just for sitting on your behind and doing nothing. If I sat on my backside and did nothing, I would earn nothing. No matter how sad and pathetic I look. These idiots should take a page out of the illegal immigrant book, and go pick bell peppers or do something else that makes them a little coin. You don’t see Juan and Tito sitting on the corner complaining about how the are useless veterans (who obviously didn’t learn any survival skills in the military) and how they need money for a bus ticket. Juan and Tito (good friends of mine, great guys, Tito has a killer sense of humor, he does a great Jimmy Stewart impression) walked here from wherever the hell they come from. There are jobs out there, they might suck, and may not pay very well, but at least you are doing something. So let me some this up by saying to all homeless people. GET A JOB YOU PATHETIC LOW-LIFES!
Now, that you are informed, go share this knowledge with someone you love.
Now, it has come to my attention that there are those who read my writings, that aren’t very bright. I am here to educate and inspire everyone, not just the enlightened, so let me break this down into small edible pieces for you bleeding hearts out there. Welfare, Medicaid, Social Security and homeless people are un-American. Disagree? Then I would love for you to explain to me why someone deserves to get something for doing nothing. Medicaid, in theory, is not such a bad idea. No one can help getting deathly ill. And this program is designed to help those who have become deathly ill and can no longer work. However, what this program has become is a way for losers who have no job, and who make no real contribution to society to have babies, and use tax dollars (from those who actually do work) to pay for it. If that doesn’t outrage you then you are the worst kind of stupid.
Social Security encourages old people to stop contributing to society and retire. If you really need Social Security then you obviously didn’t do much for this country while you had the chance. Now you think you should stop? Hey grandpa, wasn’t it your generation who let us slide into the Great Depression? Now that you’re old, you have the chance to suck the government dry one more time. You should have never gotten the GI Bill you ungrateful piles of crap. It’s ok if you don’t agree with me on this one, I realize their may quite a few people who don’t. You are entitled to that, but you are wrong. Very wrong. And stupid. (Call my mother names all you want, liberals, you can’t stop me. You can’t offend me, or my mother for that matter. We are shaking in our boots, I can assure you….or boot in my mother’s case.)
Now, let’s talk about homeless people. Now, I know everyone falls on hard times every now and again. But falling on hard times is no excuse for sitting on a street corner and begging for money. You probably make upwards of $10 a day (un-taxable might I add) just for sitting on your behind and doing nothing. If I sat on my backside and did nothing, I would earn nothing. No matter how sad and pathetic I look. These idiots should take a page out of the illegal immigrant book, and go pick bell peppers or do something else that makes them a little coin. You don’t see Juan and Tito sitting on the corner complaining about how the are useless veterans (who obviously didn’t learn any survival skills in the military) and how they need money for a bus ticket. Juan and Tito (good friends of mine, great guys, Tito has a killer sense of humor, he does a great Jimmy Stewart impression) walked here from wherever the hell they come from. There are jobs out there, they might suck, and may not pay very well, but at least you are doing something. So let me some this up by saying to all homeless people. GET A JOB YOU PATHETIC LOW-LIFES!
Now, that you are informed, go share this knowledge with someone you love.
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