If can't say anything nice, then say something mean about someone else.

Last week I spoke to you about Pope Benedict the 16th. It is no coincidence that His Popeness visited the country for the first time this last week. I extended the invitation to him to come to the land of the free and home of the brave, and of course he accepted. Bendito and I had several long talks about his drug problem and he assured me that he is dedicated to a twelve-step program that I recommended for him. I am satisfied that before long we will have a clean and sober pope. This was a very promising experience for me and I am sure it was for the pope. After leaving my estate, he did a few other things to please the media. He spoke with some of the victims of the priest sex scandal, he met with GW, and he did a pretty solid mass at Yankee Stadium. I was encouraged by this visit until he made a very disappointing comment while speaking to the media during his time here. He made the comment that he ‘laments’ the treatment of Blacks and Native Americans in this countries history. Now America, I will be the first to admit that the treatment of many groups of people (Blacks and Native Americans included) in this country’s history is reprehensible. That being said, the last person on earth that should be making comments about historical injustices committed to in past generations is a German Catholic. I lament the treatment of all kinds of people, namely Arabs during The Crusades. No to mention the Spanish during the Spanish Inquisitions (no one expected the Spanish Inquisitions). I lament the way Germans have acted repeatedly during the history of the world. I don’t blame the current pope for any of these atrocities. He didn’t do any of it. Kind of like no one alive in America today is responsible for the days of slavery or the displacement of Native Americans. I have a great idea, how about we all talk about it and remind each other how bad it was. Maybe if we feel bad enough about it will somehow not have happened. Real productive Papa, good job. Thanks, I didn’t know about any of that stuff.
One more thing America, I am sure that many of you are familiar with the raid of the YFZ Ranch in Texas this week. This ranch is a community of the FLDS Faith. For those of you that aren’t familiar with this religious group, let me give you a quick explanation. Polygamy with ugly women and old dirty men marrying 13 year-olds, and violating them in their temple. I don’t want to talk to you about the legality of constitutionality of the raid. Nor do I want to talk to you about how disgusting it is to violate and brain wash children the way they have done for generations. I want to talk about the hairdos of those sister wives. I really don’t think they can be serious about that. I mean, I am no stranger to dumpy looking women, but they really take the cake. I can’t see why anyone would want one of those broads, never mind multiple. Seriously perverts, try a little harder ok?

Bennie and the Jets

America, we need to talk. Something has been on my mind for the past little while. A few years ago a religious leader passed away. He was loved by millions and respected by many, many more. He was one of the precious few people who was an exception to the universally excepted rule that you shouldn’t trust someone with two first names. This was of course Pope John Paul the 2nd. His replacement is what we need to talk about, Benedict the 16th. Now, you might be thinking that I am somehow upset about his reintroduction of Latin Mass, or his addition to the 7 Deadly Sins. No I don’t really care about that. The problem is that His Popeness looks like he is stoned all the time. No, not stoned like many of the early Christians were. Stoned like Carlos Santana is all the time. Old Benedito is a total pot head. Sure John Paul looked like he was taking a nap for the last 13 years, or so, of his life. And it always looked like his giant Burger King Crown was about to fall off his drooping head. But the new guy constantly looks like he just smoked a bowl with a few bishops behind the bleachers. Think I am lying? The other day I saw him on the BBC, riding around in a hot-boxed Pope Mobile. You could barely see his little red cap. Now, I realize that Marijuana may not be illegal in the Vatican. However, is this the type of thing that someone who has millions and millions of Catholics feeding off his every word, should do? In his most recent mass he encouraged all good, God-fearing people to “..stop harshing each others mellow.” While that might good advice coming from the guy who delivers the Doritos to the office vending machine, this isn’t the thing that I want to hear from someone who is considered by many to be the moral authority of the world. I would like to be able to listen to what The Pope has to say without wondering if he is more concerned about the sweet burrito stand down the street than the impact of his words. So Papa, sober up and kick the habit. Perhaps this isn’t the worst thing that could happen or has happened to the Papacy. At least Benedict is not a child molester like so many of the priests he has helped to hide in various places throughout the world. (Oh, stop crying liberals, if you think for one second that this isn’t true, go ask the little kids in South America that are being touched instead of the little kids in New England. Thank you Cardinal Law.) So, my loyal subjects, say no to drugs, and say no to confession.