You Better Ask Somebody

Loyal subjects, I realize that it has been a while since I have graced you with a small view into my complex and wonderful mind. I offer no apology. I have decided that there are a few things that I would like to discuss with you, America. First of all, if you will remember a while ago we discussed how the United States should, in all seriousness, destroy all other nations in every single event in the International Dog and Pony show we like to call the ‘Olympics’. I have been inspired by the effort of some wonderful Americans to crush the rest of the world. Indeed it looks like the US will recapture its rightful supremacy in the basketball world. The “Redeem Team” is not only thrashing opponents but they are doing it all while degrading them. Lebron James is a wonderful example of this. After blocking a shot or throwing one down in traffic he often stares at his opponent and looks at them in disgust. That is the most American thing I have seen in a long, long time. Secondly, there is a young American swimmer by the name of Michael Phelps. He has systematically destroyed swimmers from all other countries and broken multiple world records in the process. This by itself is an impressive feat, seeing as most of the world’s greatest swimmers are Cuban and live in Florida. He was also a part if the Men’s 4 x100 relay team that beat the most pathetic four individuals in the world, the French Men’s 4x100 team. Not only are they French, they had the gall to say that they would ‘smash’ the American team prior to the race in some awful newspaper. Sadam Hussein was executed for less. I hope the French people take a lesson from this. I hope they realize that they suck, and always will. You suck France.

I would also like to discuss the upcoming presidential election. America, it looks like we are headed for the crapper. Both candidates suck more than I ever thought possible. John McCain is a pathetic old man who was once a great American hero. He now is just one more republican who has sold his soul (what’s left of it) to the party. Barack Obama is a pathetic young man, who never was an American hero. He promised all sorts of change and has already fallen flat on those promises. Maybe because of his youth he doesn’t realize that you normally wait until you are actually elected to break your campaign promises,and lie to the world (Bill Clinton). He aspires to be another great flop the likes of which we haven’t seen since Jimmy Carter. (see my previous entry Former President Current Moron) John McCain, you suck. Brack Obama, you suck too. America, join me this election season by voting for someone else altogether Paul Rubens. That’s right the man who played Peewee Herman. White House press conferences will be a lot cooler with a daily secret word and a giant tinfoil ball.

Former President, Current Moron

The other night I was flipping through the channels on TV and I stumbled on to a sad, sad sight. Jimmy Carter was on Larry King Live. The collective age of the two men on screen was recently sent to NASA to calculate. King was asking his fellow fossil on everything from the war in Iraq to the upcoming presidential election. I would pay serious money for anyone to show me why I should give a crap about what Jimmy Carter has to say about anything. Does anyone remember any of the things he accomplished during his time on Pennsylvania Avenue? No. No one does, because those things don’t exist. He spent most of his political career with his mouth writing checks his backside couldn’t cash. So he leaves office and builds a couple of houses and we should give him some kind of Peace Prize? MC Hammer built a house and soon gave it to someone else. I don’t see anyone showering him with praise. Maybe Larry King should be interviewing Hammer, I would rather hear what he has to say about the Iraq war than Bozo the ex-president. For that matter I would rather hear what Billy Carter has to say about current events. (Jimmy and Billy, what the hell kind of parents do that to their kids? They were probably too poor or inbred to figure out birth control or abortions so the just decided to make their kids’ life miserable by giving them names that are better suited for dogs.)
Jimmy Carter, you suck.

One more thing, is Larry King even alive anymore? What are those suspenders connected to? When was the last time any of you saw him out from behind that desk? I submit to you that he is a robot made to look like the late Larry King. A crappy looking robot too. They ran out of money before the skin was put on so they just slopped together some silly putty and threw some dime store glasses on it.
Larry King, you sucked when you were alive and your robot replacement sucks now.
America, you don’t suck, daddy loves you.

If can't say anything nice, then say something mean about someone else.

Last week I spoke to you about Pope Benedict the 16th. It is no coincidence that His Popeness visited the country for the first time this last week. I extended the invitation to him to come to the land of the free and home of the brave, and of course he accepted. Bendito and I had several long talks about his drug problem and he assured me that he is dedicated to a twelve-step program that I recommended for him. I am satisfied that before long we will have a clean and sober pope. This was a very promising experience for me and I am sure it was for the pope. After leaving my estate, he did a few other things to please the media. He spoke with some of the victims of the priest sex scandal, he met with GW, and he did a pretty solid mass at Yankee Stadium. I was encouraged by this visit until he made a very disappointing comment while speaking to the media during his time here. He made the comment that he ‘laments’ the treatment of Blacks and Native Americans in this countries history. Now America, I will be the first to admit that the treatment of many groups of people (Blacks and Native Americans included) in this country’s history is reprehensible. That being said, the last person on earth that should be making comments about historical injustices committed to in past generations is a German Catholic. I lament the treatment of all kinds of people, namely Arabs during The Crusades. No to mention the Spanish during the Spanish Inquisitions (no one expected the Spanish Inquisitions). I lament the way Germans have acted repeatedly during the history of the world. I don’t blame the current pope for any of these atrocities. He didn’t do any of it. Kind of like no one alive in America today is responsible for the days of slavery or the displacement of Native Americans. I have a great idea, how about we all talk about it and remind each other how bad it was. Maybe if we feel bad enough about it will somehow not have happened. Real productive Papa, good job. Thanks, I didn’t know about any of that stuff.
One more thing America, I am sure that many of you are familiar with the raid of the YFZ Ranch in Texas this week. This ranch is a community of the FLDS Faith. For those of you that aren’t familiar with this religious group, let me give you a quick explanation. Polygamy with ugly women and old dirty men marrying 13 year-olds, and violating them in their temple. I don’t want to talk to you about the legality of constitutionality of the raid. Nor do I want to talk to you about how disgusting it is to violate and brain wash children the way they have done for generations. I want to talk about the hairdos of those sister wives. I really don’t think they can be serious about that. I mean, I am no stranger to dumpy looking women, but they really take the cake. I can’t see why anyone would want one of those broads, never mind multiple. Seriously perverts, try a little harder ok?

Bennie and the Jets

America, we need to talk. Something has been on my mind for the past little while. A few years ago a religious leader passed away. He was loved by millions and respected by many, many more. He was one of the precious few people who was an exception to the universally excepted rule that you shouldn’t trust someone with two first names. This was of course Pope John Paul the 2nd. His replacement is what we need to talk about, Benedict the 16th. Now, you might be thinking that I am somehow upset about his reintroduction of Latin Mass, or his addition to the 7 Deadly Sins. No I don’t really care about that. The problem is that His Popeness looks like he is stoned all the time. No, not stoned like many of the early Christians were. Stoned like Carlos Santana is all the time. Old Benedito is a total pot head. Sure John Paul looked like he was taking a nap for the last 13 years, or so, of his life. And it always looked like his giant Burger King Crown was about to fall off his drooping head. But the new guy constantly looks like he just smoked a bowl with a few bishops behind the bleachers. Think I am lying? The other day I saw him on the BBC, riding around in a hot-boxed Pope Mobile. You could barely see his little red cap. Now, I realize that Marijuana may not be illegal in the Vatican. However, is this the type of thing that someone who has millions and millions of Catholics feeding off his every word, should do? In his most recent mass he encouraged all good, God-fearing people to “..stop harshing each others mellow.” While that might good advice coming from the guy who delivers the Doritos to the office vending machine, this isn’t the thing that I want to hear from someone who is considered by many to be the moral authority of the world. I would like to be able to listen to what The Pope has to say without wondering if he is more concerned about the sweet burrito stand down the street than the impact of his words. So Papa, sober up and kick the habit. Perhaps this isn’t the worst thing that could happen or has happened to the Papacy. At least Benedict is not a child molester like so many of the priests he has helped to hide in various places throughout the world. (Oh, stop crying liberals, if you think for one second that this isn’t true, go ask the little kids in South America that are being touched instead of the little kids in New England. Thank you Cardinal Law.) So, my loyal subjects, say no to drugs, and say no to confession.

Alan, Close the Door, You're Letting the Heat Out

Recently I had the displeasure if watching a television news program where former Vice-President of the United States, Al Gore was interviewed. The reason for the interview was very simply to see what he has been up to over the last few months. The rather unpleasing looking lady that was interviewing, asked him about such points of interest such as the upcoming presidential election, of which he has been named one of the enigmatic members of the Democratic Justice League other wise known as a ‘super delegate’. America, I defy any one of you to accurately explain to me why this kind of crap is on television. First of all, Al Gore’s opinion on the presidential election should be disregarded as soon as it leaves his old, fat mouth. For those of you who can’t remember Al Gore actually ran for president. His candidacy was more of a joke than that of Bo Gritz in 1992. Al Gore was incapable of beating the slowest,dumbest southerner ever to run for office. He won the popular vote but still lost the election. He won and he still lost. This is the very definition of being a loser. He joins the elite club of losers that couldn’t beat GW. He is joined by the Big Fairy himself, John Kerry. Gore and Kerry: America’s finest liberal losers.
Seeing that he is such a pathetic waste of publicity, the only appropriate thing to do with him would be to ostracize him from society and make jokes about his useless life. Instead we shower him with praise and awards. He was given an Academy Award for his ‘documentary’ An Inconvenient Truth. Seriously, did anyone see that piece of garbage? It was a trite, stupid, inconvenient excuse for film making. Then if that wasn’t enough he was given a Nobel Peace Prize. The day he walked across that stage and accepted that award will go down as one of the worst days in international history. Anyone who has ever donated even a penny to a charitable cause should hang their head in disgust for this travesty. That guy who used to be really fat and now isn’t all that that fat because he ate a bunch of sndwiches Subway is more deserving of the Nobel Peace prize, way more.
My point in brining this to your attention my fellow Americans, is that Al Gore should be thrown in prison for his embarrassing waste of a life. Boycott Al Gore and anything that has to do with him my loyal subjects. Drive around your block for no reason other than to ruin the environment. (Let’s be honest it won’t make any real difference.) Together we can stop him and his ridiculous global warming.

I'm a Paddy, You're a Paddy

Undisputedly one of the coolest people on the planet, U2’s Bono once said that the world is made of two kinds of people, those who are Irish, and those who want to be. America, truer words have never been spoken. This last week drunkards all around the world celebrated St. Patrick’s Day. Some stupid liberals out there might be thinking to themselves that St. Patrick’s Day is just an excuse for those who are Irish and those who wish to be to wear green and drink. Well my stupid friends, real Irish people don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, and never need an excuse to drink. The truth is that St. Patrick himself was kind of a bastard. He was an English slave,( 0 for 1) who was sent to Ireland by the Catholic Church ( 0 for 2) to convert the ‘heathen’ Celts to Catholicism. He was surprisingly successful by using the famous “Catholic Convert or Die” tactic. It has proven to be an extremely effective tactic on at least four continents. Don’t understand transubstantiation? Neither do they but the will kill you for denying it. Now, I’m not trying to rag on Catholics, I’m just pointing out the obvious. Seeing that all this is true, some of you may ask why ‘ol Patrick got his own holiday. Well the truth is that there is no good reason. However, the world does need a reason to celebrate the greatest people on earth, the Irish. We have survived slavery, famine, oppression, segregation and years and years if drinking ourselves stupid. We are tough and here to stay despite the best efforts of the lousy, useless British. So take some time today and thank the powers that be that you are Irish, and if you are not, we will be taking the GW approach to this problem. If you’re not with us you are against us. So, go Irish or go home!

Do you belive in miracles? You don't need to anymore.

I think many people would agree with me when I say that sports are some of the greatest things in the world. Seeing as its March, I can barely wait for one of the greatest sports spectacles in the world, the NCAA tournament. One could talk for hours about the action and edge-of-your-seat excitement that the tournament provides for basketball fans all over the world. If that wasn’t enough, this year the whole world will turn its eyes to the city of Beijing, for the Summer Olympics. Now, America, I like the Olympics. I really do. But, there is something about it that really bothers me. I would love for someone to explain to me why the United States does not win every single gold medal in every single event in the games.
We are the richest country in the world. We have all kinds of resources, and we have all the technology we need to assist our athletes. We should be using all of our available resources to make our athletes better. We should use the Olympics to establish our dominance over the other stupid countries in the world. Which stupid countries you ask? All of them. The USSR was once a huge international sports power. They accomplished this by forcing young children to practice their sport all day every day. By the time they grew up, they were incredible. WHY AREN’T WE DOING THIS? I know that some of you liberal losers might say that something like that would be unfair and almost cruel to the young children. To them I ask where is your pride? I think we should go a little farther than that. We should force famous athletes to procreate. Then, when the child is born they become property of the United States Government. And we use tax dollars to train these kids to become superhuman sport machines. No cost is too great, and no we do not need to raise taxes to do this. We have all kinds of crappy government funded programs that are no longer necessary. (i.e. Medicare, Medicaid, No Child Left Behind, The EPA) I mean so many of us pay through the nose for all of these programs and we don’t see any of the return from it. Why not spend this money on something we can all enjoy? For example, the USA stomping the daylights out of Morocco in the decathlon, or beating the crap out of Russia in Greco Roman Wrestling. I don’t care what it takes. I want to see the Stars and Stripes hoisted above all the other flags in every single medal ceremony in the Chinese games and every game from here on out. Even and especially the sports that no one cares about, like rhythmic gymnastics. We should be sending the message to the rest of the world that they aren’t better than us at anything. They can have their steroids and performance enhancing drugs, we have money. I want to see a sprinter turning around just before he crosses the finish line of the 100 meter race, and mocking the other sprinters that aren’t as fast. (You’re going to have to try harder than that world!)
One more thing, I think we should be using wind tunnel technology for everything. Regardless of whether it has an application to that sport or not. If the rest of the weak, useless international sports world sees our athletes in a wind tunnel they are going to crap their collective pants. They are going to think, ‘why is that gymnast in a wind tunnel, she is only 14 years old.’ They will automatically think that we are on to something awesome. Wind tunnels and money, that is the key to Olympic gold. As always America, its ok if you don’t agree with me, you would just be wrong. Stupid and wrong.

America, Daddy Loves You

Nobody loves America more than I do. I think the ideals that this country was founded on are truly something divine. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is afforded to all people, no matter where they come from, and that is the way it should be. That being said, I seemed to have missed the part of the Declaration of Independence, that talks about how we should all do what we can to help moochers and losers. On the statue of liberty it certainly does not say: “give me your poor, your tired and those who just don’t feel like working very hard and expect to be handed everything.”
Now, it has come to my attention that there are those who read my writings, that aren’t very bright. I am here to educate and inspire everyone, not just the enlightened, so let me break this down into small edible pieces for you bleeding hearts out there. Welfare, Medicaid, Social Security and homeless people are un-American. Disagree? Then I would love for you to explain to me why someone deserves to get something for doing nothing. Medicaid, in theory, is not such a bad idea. No one can help getting deathly ill. And this program is designed to help those who have become deathly ill and can no longer work. However, what this program has become is a way for losers who have no job, and who make no real contribution to society to have babies, and use tax dollars (from those who actually do work) to pay for it. If that doesn’t outrage you then you are the worst kind of stupid.
Social Security encourages old people to stop contributing to society and retire. If you really need Social Security then you obviously didn’t do much for this country while you had the chance. Now you think you should stop? Hey grandpa, wasn’t it your generation who let us slide into the Great Depression? Now that you’re old, you have the chance to suck the government dry one more time. You should have never gotten the GI Bill you ungrateful piles of crap. It’s ok if you don’t agree with me on this one, I realize their may quite a few people who don’t. You are entitled to that, but you are wrong. Very wrong. And stupid. (Call my mother names all you want, liberals, you can’t stop me. You can’t offend me, or my mother for that matter. We are shaking in our boots, I can assure you….or boot in my mother’s case.)
Now, let’s talk about homeless people. Now, I know everyone falls on hard times every now and again. But falling on hard times is no excuse for sitting on a street corner and begging for money. You probably make upwards of $10 a day (un-taxable might I add) just for sitting on your behind and doing nothing. If I sat on my backside and did nothing, I would earn nothing. No matter how sad and pathetic I look. These idiots should take a page out of the illegal immigrant book, and go pick bell peppers or do something else that makes them a little coin. You don’t see Juan and Tito sitting on the corner complaining about how the are useless veterans (who obviously didn’t learn any survival skills in the military) and how they need money for a bus ticket. Juan and Tito (good friends of mine, great guys, Tito has a killer sense of humor, he does a great Jimmy Stewart impression) walked here from wherever the hell they come from. There are jobs out there, they might suck, and may not pay very well, but at least you are doing something. So let me some this up by saying to all homeless people. GET A JOB YOU PATHETIC LOW-LIFES!

Now, that you are informed, go share this knowledge with someone you love.

How Can I Focus on the State of the Union Address With Old Nasty Sitting Right Behind GW?

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that I am a big news buff. I like to stay well informed and up-to-date on current events. The other day while watching a story on the 2008 Presidential Election, my attention was drawn to someone. Michelle Obama. She is seriously hot. She looks dignified and respectable, but she could bring a grown man to his knees with those curves. This made my heart glad. For far too long we have suffered ugo after ugo up on the hill. I love American politics and I love American women. That being said, for as long as this great nation has been around, women politicians have been far too ugly for how great this country is. Let’s dig deeper, shall we?
Going back in time we can see many notable women in history. And for the most part, they have all been real homely looking. Susan B. Anthony? Good grief she was ugly. What was it again that she did? I can’t remember either. I can’t get passed that overbite. Martha Washington? Let’s just say that her husband’s false teeth would have been a major improvement for this old windbag. Mary Todd Lincoln? This trick was ugly and crazy. I mean good ‘ol Honest Abe was lucky he got iced when he did, she was on the one-way train to the Crazytown.
Now I can hear you liberals getting all emotional and bleedy-hearty, saying crap like ‘that was a long time ago, King Conor everyone was ugly back then’. While that isn’t true I am willing to play your game. Let’s talk about some of the unpleasant looking women of today. One can hardly say the phrase ‘unpleasant women of today’, without immediately thinking of the former-First Lady and current presidential candidate, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Honestly, is there anyone in the free world who can blame Bill for fooling around with the heavy-set intern? She was no prize herself but compared to Hillary, she should be walking a catwalk somewhere. Someone do me a favor and stuff HRC back in the closet she came from. Hopefully she will choke on one of the pant-suits that are in there and we won’t have to deal with her or her stupid theories on socialized medicine any more.
If Hillary were alone in her long fall from the ugly tree, our economy probably wouldn’t be so bad. Alas, she is not. One of her fiercest competitors in the Miss Ugly Politician Pageant is Madame Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy is one of the dumpiest-looking ugos ever to grace the District of Columbia.
Now I would be remiss if I didn’t illustrate the fact that not all of the fine ladies in our country’s political history were disgusting wastes. May I mention one of Pennsylvania Avenue’s hottest dames ever, Jacqueline Kennedy-Onasis. JFK was not only a drunk, but incredibly stupid to have ever fooled around with Marilyn Monroe, when he had the Petty Coat Junction right in the Lincoln Bedroom waiting for him. A close second, to Mrs. Kennedy-Onasis would have to be Eleanor Roosevelt. She basically ran the joint while her husband was sick, if that isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.
Now why can’t more political women be more like Michelle Obama or Jacqueline Kennedy-Onasis? Not to mention John McCain’s wife. (I don’t know her name either, but man is she an upgrade to that old jalopy he had before.) She is hot. I didn’t know if that was his wife or his daughter the first time I saw her. If his years of service to this country weren’t enough to convince you to vote for him, then the chance to see that dame at more state vents and presidential parties should be all the reason you need to put an ‘x’ next to Old J McC’s name. So vote this November, America. And do us all a favor and vote for someone with a hot wife.

The Most Important Tidbits You Will Ever Read

In my tireless effort to educate and inspire you, America, my team of researchers and I have assembled some the most important and ground breaking research you will ever read. So get ready, take notes and pay attention.

90% of Americans own waffle maker.

The Oscar Myer Weenie Mobile took 35 years to build. Nine workers died during its construction.

Former President Jimmy Carter’s middle name is Louise.

Michael Jordan was the winner of the 1989 Mexican Presidential election, he was written in by over 189,000 Mexican voters. Jordan politely declined the nomination.

In May of 1958 Chubby Checker was arrested in Rhode Island on suspicion of Twisting. It was rumored that he was Twisting similar to the way he did the previous summer. (Twisting was, at the time, a felony in 35 states.)

Part of Martin Luther King’s dream included men’s socks sold two pair for the price of one.

Walt Disney was a member of a white supremacist organization called the White Knights. While they were a non-violent group they are responsible for the vast majority of accepted racial slurs in the English language.

Recent studies have shown that Swiss cheese is the best kind of cheese.

Every third baby born in the world grows up to be a total jerk.

Another recent study has proven that The Luvre in Paris is boring, and a waste of money.

Ronald Regan’s last act as president of the United States was to issue a Presidential Pardon to Ozzy Osborne for ’accidentally’ biting the head off of a bald eagle. Regan is a huge fan of the song Crazy Train.


There you go America. Consider yourself informed.

A Rainbow Colored Smoke-Screen

Let me ask you a serious question America. Why on earth is it possible to turn on the television and see someone like Rosie O'Donell? Does anyone actually find her funny, amusing, or interesting. Better yet, does anyone find her anything but repulsive and annoying? Believe it or not my fine fellow-Americans, there are people who want you and I to laugh at her, tolerate her and even love her because she is lesbian. Think I am making exagerating? Wake up America! Melissa Ethridge still has a job, and it is even making music. Ellen Degeneres is still a comedian. All of these entertainers are terrible peices of crap. And should be flipping burgers in a fast food kitchen somewhere. (No offense to those of you out there who do flip burgers, it is a fine and nobel profession, I owe a lot to you people. I just don't think you should sing or make jokes.)

Let me stop you before you start, I can hear many of you out there saying 'King Conor, you are homophobic.' No, no I am not. I am simply crapophobic. What these people do on their own time is their business, not mine. I want to see all people make it or not in the world, simply based on merit. I mean I like girls too, but no one is lining up to buy my Christmas album. ( I know it was a bad idea, I don't need any of you to bring it up again.)

Let's look at some wonderful examples those who did play the 'gay card'. Elton John is a great musician, and total fruit cake. I shudder to think where we would all be would be without songs like 'Tiny Dancer' and 'Rocket Man'. Think Elton sucks? Well, Freddie Mercury was as gay as one could possibly be and he wrote 'We are the Champions' and 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. These are modern classics, who would know what to sing after winning some sort of competition without him. Comedian Grahm Chapman was part of the legendary Monty Python and the Flying Circus. Quite Simply the funniest sketch comedy you could ever ask for. He was quite a flamer himself. Mad props to these homosexuals, mad props indeed. These people didn't need to be gay to make history. They had a little something called talent. So, let's sum things up. Talentless homosexuals go in the same dumpster as Al Gore, socialized medicine, and country music.

Beethoven could hear pretty well actually.

On a recent trip to the grocery store, I circled the parking lot a few times in order to find somewhere to park while I get a few items. Per usual, there were only a few spots available and they were reserved for handicapped persons. I finally found a spot and walked in the direction of the entrance. As I approached, I past the afore-mentioned handicapped parking spots. Just then, a car pulled into the normally empty spots and a young man hopped out and when jogging into the store. At first I thought this young man was parked illegally. Then I noticed that he had a handicapped sticker on his car. Needless to say, this pissed me off. What kind of person lies about being handicapped? Or what kind of world do we live in when a perfectly capable young man qualifies for handicapped? It really makes me wonder if anyone is handicapped at all, or more importantly, should anyone be handicapped? If you liberals really belive in evolution, then no one in the world should get any kind of special help for not having the use of your legs. That might just be nature's way of saying 'sorry charlie, you're done'. For you white trash out there, cousin Jimmy who lost his legs in the ATV accident just might be so helpless afterall. Mabybe it's time for Jimmy to get off his skateboard and let nature run its course.
I can just hear your bleeding hearts out there saying that this post is not politically correct. Do me a favor and go tell someone who cares.
On a related note, anyone who tells you that Global Warming is a real problem, is a liar, a theif and should not be trusted. I want Al Gore to come clean the six inches of snow off my car everytime i go outside. Let's see that fat, energy-wasting hypocrite win an Oscar for that. Al Gore sucks. So does Tipper Gore, Bill Mahr, Al Franken, Sean Hannity, and color comentator for theUtah Jazz, Ron Boone.

One Day You Could Be President

A lot of people know that the President of the United States, George W. Bush has a very colorful past. Before becoming president he was the Governor of the state of Texas. For much of his life he struggled with alcoholism. However the most embarrassing part of his past is the fact that while attending Yale University, he was a cheerleader. The most powerful man in the free world, and the leader of this country was a male cheerleader. Now, this might seem surprising or odd and maybe even a little embarrassing. Embarrassing? Yes. Surprising? Hardly. A close inspection of this country's fine history will show that many of our presidents had or have embarrassing, and even disgraceful pasts. These facts are frequently swept under the rug of time, but I will bring them to light and shake you awake, America.
Before becoming president, Gerald Ford was a known and respected drug dealer. He was known as The White Flash on the streets of Brooklyn. Several years before he started his political career, Bill Clinton was arrested for stalking Gladys Knight. His Vice-President Al Gore was arrested for a similar offense. He was caught in the bushes outside the house of Pop Star Micheal Jackson. (I don't get it either.)
Dan Quayle was never elected president, but he sure was a moonshine runner before his political career. Martin Van Buren? Famous pimp. We all know Ronald Regan was an actor, but he was also quite the player on the cross-dressing night club scene. Rita Regan anyone?
I don't bring this all up to drag the names of former leaders of this country through the mud. I love America. I bring this up to show that, no matter who you are or what you have done in the past you can grow up to one day declare war on other countries, mess up the economy, and make about half of the country hate you. Isn't America great? It makes want to sing that retarded song about at least knowing I'm free. What's that song called? Oh forget it. I'll just sing "Why Can't We be Friends."

Sacagewea was a drug dealer

When are we going to start honoring the real heroes of this country's great past? One of the biggest honors one can receive the world around is having your image on some sort of currency. Here in America we got off to a good start homeboys like Washington, Lincoln, and even Hamilton was a pretty good choice. Pretty soon the jerks in the treasury got creative and starting putting everyone and their dog and some kind of currency. Now we have JFK (drunk) on the half-dollar. (What the hell is a half-dollar anyway?) Susan B. Anthony (whore) is on the dollar that looks like a quarter. Try putting one of those bad boys in a vending machine and see what happens. Sacagewea (drug dealer, whore) has her own special gold dollar coin. Good, that is what we all need is more coins rattling around in our pockets, now we don't have to held captive by the ancient ideas of just losing a few pennies in couches and at movie theaters. Now we can all lose $6.50 every time we sit down. Now maybe we can all get coin purses and be as gay as europeans. When I was little I always told my mom that when i grow up I want to be a smelly, snooty Frenchman. Thanks Sacagewea for leading those two jerks through the forest.



Also the latest phenominon is having quarters that are designed to honor each one of our fifty states. That is also a banner idea. I couldn't sleep the other night because i was so worried that no inbred rednecks from Alabama will be able to dictate what goes on our quarters. I can't wait to see what is on Alaska's quarter: 'Come to Alaska and kill yourself because it's dark all the time'.

Let's get some real currency. Evil Kanievel should be on a dollar. When was the last time JFK jumped over a bunch of school busses that were on fire on his motorcycle? Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's should be on a 99 cent peice to hnor his finest invention, the 99 cent value menu. Last but certainly not least, Superman should be on some kind of bill, like the ten or something. I know he isn't real but he is way cooler than peices of crap like Ulysses S. Grant (he is on the $50 bill for those of you in Mississippi). Just because money is the root of all evil, doesn't mean it has to look stupid.