Bennie and the Jets

America, we need to talk. Something has been on my mind for the past little while. A few years ago a religious leader passed away. He was loved by millions and respected by many, many more. He was one of the precious few people who was an exception to the universally excepted rule that you shouldn’t trust someone with two first names. This was of course Pope John Paul the 2nd. His replacement is what we need to talk about, Benedict the 16th. Now, you might be thinking that I am somehow upset about his reintroduction of Latin Mass, or his addition to the 7 Deadly Sins. No I don’t really care about that. The problem is that His Popeness looks like he is stoned all the time. No, not stoned like many of the early Christians were. Stoned like Carlos Santana is all the time. Old Benedito is a total pot head. Sure John Paul looked like he was taking a nap for the last 13 years, or so, of his life. And it always looked like his giant Burger King Crown was about to fall off his drooping head. But the new guy constantly looks like he just smoked a bowl with a few bishops behind the bleachers. Think I am lying? The other day I saw him on the BBC, riding around in a hot-boxed Pope Mobile. You could barely see his little red cap. Now, I realize that Marijuana may not be illegal in the Vatican. However, is this the type of thing that someone who has millions and millions of Catholics feeding off his every word, should do? In his most recent mass he encouraged all good, God-fearing people to “..stop harshing each others mellow.” While that might good advice coming from the guy who delivers the Doritos to the office vending machine, this isn’t the thing that I want to hear from someone who is considered by many to be the moral authority of the world. I would like to be able to listen to what The Pope has to say without wondering if he is more concerned about the sweet burrito stand down the street than the impact of his words. So Papa, sober up and kick the habit. Perhaps this isn’t the worst thing that could happen or has happened to the Papacy. At least Benedict is not a child molester like so many of the priests he has helped to hide in various places throughout the world. (Oh, stop crying liberals, if you think for one second that this isn’t true, go ask the little kids in South America that are being touched instead of the little kids in New England. Thank you Cardinal Law.) So, my loyal subjects, say no to drugs, and say no to confession.