You Better Ask Somebody

Loyal subjects, I realize that it has been a while since I have graced you with a small view into my complex and wonderful mind. I offer no apology. I have decided that there are a few things that I would like to discuss with you, America. First of all, if you will remember a while ago we discussed how the United States should, in all seriousness, destroy all other nations in every single event in the International Dog and Pony show we like to call the ‘Olympics’. I have been inspired by the effort of some wonderful Americans to crush the rest of the world. Indeed it looks like the US will recapture its rightful supremacy in the basketball world. The “Redeem Team” is not only thrashing opponents but they are doing it all while degrading them. Lebron James is a wonderful example of this. After blocking a shot or throwing one down in traffic he often stares at his opponent and looks at them in disgust. That is the most American thing I have seen in a long, long time. Secondly, there is a young American swimmer by the name of Michael Phelps. He has systematically destroyed swimmers from all other countries and broken multiple world records in the process. This by itself is an impressive feat, seeing as most of the world’s greatest swimmers are Cuban and live in Florida. He was also a part if the Men’s 4 x100 relay team that beat the most pathetic four individuals in the world, the French Men’s 4x100 team. Not only are they French, they had the gall to say that they would ‘smash’ the American team prior to the race in some awful newspaper. Sadam Hussein was executed for less. I hope the French people take a lesson from this. I hope they realize that they suck, and always will. You suck France.

I would also like to discuss the upcoming presidential election. America, it looks like we are headed for the crapper. Both candidates suck more than I ever thought possible. John McCain is a pathetic old man who was once a great American hero. He now is just one more republican who has sold his soul (what’s left of it) to the party. Barack Obama is a pathetic young man, who never was an American hero. He promised all sorts of change and has already fallen flat on those promises. Maybe because of his youth he doesn’t realize that you normally wait until you are actually elected to break your campaign promises,and lie to the world (Bill Clinton). He aspires to be another great flop the likes of which we haven’t seen since Jimmy Carter. (see my previous entry Former President Current Moron) John McCain, you suck. Brack Obama, you suck too. America, join me this election season by voting for someone else altogether Paul Rubens. That’s right the man who played Peewee Herman. White House press conferences will be a lot cooler with a daily secret word and a giant tinfoil ball.